Earlier in 2022, I was in our walk-in closet dressing for work one morning. As I pulled on my pants, I noticed a strange feeling, or I should say, no feeling at all. I ran my fingers across my back, reaching below my waistline, upwards towards my shoulder blades, and then along my sides. I was numb in a small space along my lower back, roughly 6 inches high and from side to side. It’s so odd, knowing your fingers are touching your own skin, feeling your skin on your fingers, but the skin itself not feeling anything. To me, it was similar to how your mouth feels after having dental work done. You can touch your lips with your fingers, or the inside of your mouth with your tongue, but it is just a one-sided sensation until the numbing agent wears off. It’s weird.

Because the numbness was only in my lower back, I didn’t notice it during the day, so I pushed any worry out of my mind. The morning is when I was keenly aware of it. When I would shower, I could feel the hot water rinsing from my hair and down my neck and upper back, then it basically disappeared until it passed the numb area. Also, the numbness was apparent when dressing each morning as my hands would touch my back when pulling on my pants, or tucking in my shirt. This went on for a couple of weeks until one day, it was gone. It didn’t cross my mind again, and life moved on.

It wasn’t until a few days after my newest numbness occurred in May that I remembered the lower back numbness earlier in the year. All it took was a few Google searches to scare me. I chose to wait and see what the doctor said, rather than work on my own diagnosis.

At my appointment, my doctor talked about things like a pinched nerve, sciatica, or a vitamin deficiency. It was the first time I had heard that a vitamin B12 deficiency could mimic the symptoms I was experiencing, like the fatigue and sensations of pins and needles. She ordered bloodwork and a spine x-ray to either confirm or rule out various conditions.

There were so many reasons why this week was a tough one. The testing and uncertainty weighed heavy on me. At the time, my husband was the only one that knew, and even then, I kept from talking about it too much. My hope was there would be a simple solution and we would be back to our normal lives before long. Not sharing any information with my mom was the hardest. I talk to her daily, often many (many!) times per day. She is my voice of reason, my companion in complaining, and my best friend. But she also carries the burden so heavily of worry for her children, and I didn’t want her to have unnecessary worry if this turned out to be something minor. My mental fight that week was hard enough, but the physical burden was almost unbearable. The strength it took to walk with half my body numb, and to look like nothing was wrong, was incredible.

My job afforded me the opportunity to work remote, but I needed to be in the office a few times this particular week. The first day at the office I decided sandals were a good idea. Want to take a wild guess on how insanely difficult it is to walk in strappy sandals when your feet are numb? I saw my reflection in the building’s windows that morning walking across the parking lot, and I swear it reminded me of Gary Sinise in Forest Gump. Remember when Forest is getting married, and Lieutenant Dan shows up walking for the first time since losing his legs in the war? Yep, I was Lieutenant Dan, and I looked like I had those magic legs. I decided to hunker down in my office and get my work done. If I didn’t have to walk, then nobody would notice. Of course, nothing is ever that easy. One of the worst things about the interior design of my company’s building, is that it is all glass. Walls, doors, hallways, conference rooms…no privacy at all. When you get up to walk, you are basically on display for all to see. Wouldn’t you know it, I needed to make a trip to the restroom at the same time the conference room was full. Ugh. I psyched myself up and concentrated on walking like a normal person as I passed the glass wall. I haven’t concentrated on walking normal that hard since my college drinking days (just kidding mom & dad. Well, kinda).

My doctor’s office called, and my x-rays came back fine, but my vitamin B12 levels were low. This was probably the cause of my symptoms. I was told to start taking an over-the-counter B12 supplement and come back to the office in a few weeks for more bloodwork. My legs remained numb, and my fatigue didn’t lighten up, but I felt a little better knowing we had a plan, and soon the vitamins would kick in and my symptoms would disappear. We packed our bags and headed to the coast for a week-long vacation with family.

The week we spent at the beach was both wonderful and terrifying. Time with my kids and extended family is always fun, filled with food and lots of laughter. Add with near perfect weather on the coast of North Carolina, one of the most beautiful places to be, it should have been magical. But as the days went on, my legs remained numb and became weaker. I struggled to walk, and maneuvering the sand was almost impossible. By the time we would make the short trip from the oceanfront home to the water, I was exhausted, and would spend most of the afternoon under an umbrella on the beach. I could barely stay awake in the evenings, yet when I went to bed, I was so uncomfortable that I tossed and turned all night. I knew my mom noticed something was off, and I struggled trying to decide if I should tell her what was going on, or wait until we had an answer. One evening on the porch, I told my brother. He agreed with me, wait to tell mom later. She worries so much about us (which is something I would roll my eyes at when I was younger, but now being a mom, boy do I understand that worry), and we wanted her to enjoy the rest of the vacation. So, I did what any worried, considerate, loving daughter would do. I sang like a canary and spilled my guts to her one afternoon, telling her everything. I’ve never been good at keeping my mouth shut when it comes to her. Just saying. She did what I knew she would do. She reassured me, told me it was going to be fine, and not to worry. I’m pretty sure the evening before I told her was the last good night of sleep she has had since then. And it’s been almost a year.

Towards the end of the beach week, I received a call from my doctor’s office concerning my bloodwork. The samples they sent off for further testing came back, and it showed my vitamin B12 and vitamin D levels were extremely low. They suggested I continue the over-the-counter vitamins and when I returned to the office, I may need shots. If my symptoms did not improve as my bloodwork returned to normal, then a neurologist referral might be needed to continue searching for the cause. They were very optimistic about this being a vitamin deficiency. I was not. When I hung up the phone, I knew there was something seriously wrong. I didn’t feel the relief that my family felt when they heard the news. I smiled and agreed that I was feeling less worried, but it was a complete lie. The pain, the fatigue, the numbness…it was getting worse. I couldn’t imagine something as simple as a vitamin deficiency could cause it. Each day I woke up, something new was either hurting, numb, or just ‘off’. All I wanted was to go home and crawl into my bed and wait for everything to be okay again. Spoiler alert: Everything got worse. Much worse.